apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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