Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
