having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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