did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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