where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
