The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
