Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize