I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
