What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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