I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dignity is for republicans.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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