I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
