Where is the hickey?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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