I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
