she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
