happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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