Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
