this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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