I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
