Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
