omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize