I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
