Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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