Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
