i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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