Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
