And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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