I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
