Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
