At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
