Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
