We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Still dying that you shit outside
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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