we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
