Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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