remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
