my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
