Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
