I'm gonna have a badass scar
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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