i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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