i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
