is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
