I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
