i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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