The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
