if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I CAN MOONWALK!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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