DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
