need another drink. this is the easiest way
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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