I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
