I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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