Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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