I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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