Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize