The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
