i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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