i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
