I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
