i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize