My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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