I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
