He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
