Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
